I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
