Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
