At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
