She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
