So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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