When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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