Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
