Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
