I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
