I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
