just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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