did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
