Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
