I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
