I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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