I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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