when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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