i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
