why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
