Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
