nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
