i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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