the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
