there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
