I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
