just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize