hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
