I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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