i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
