OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
