Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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