I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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