so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
