We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
