I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize