I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
