My hand turned me down
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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