I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
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