Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
