So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
