he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize