no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
