And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize