I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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