I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
