i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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