She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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