some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
