I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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