her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I puked a lego.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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