I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
