I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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