I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
