I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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