covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
