fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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