dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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