If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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