I'm lost and stupid without you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Help. Why am I so naked?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize