don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
