But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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