On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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