I CAN MOONWALK!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
